


minor fall, major lift

by fypical



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Introspection, M/M, thoughtful ridiculousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 07:30:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fypical/pseuds/fypical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He watches and waits and prays for his family and prays for the Winchesters and prays for himself. He hates them and he loves them and he wants to be them and he wants to get away from them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	minor fall, major lift

**Author's Note:**

> content warning for passing mention of rape. this is really just gabriel sort of musing on humanity with a mention of sabriel at the end because i'm a sucker for that ship. title and inspiration from leonard cohen's "hallelujah".

When Gabriel runs from Heaven, humanity appalls him; they burn and beat and kill and rape, their daily lives are like the worst acts of Heavenly War. He hates and hates and loves them, in all their squalor and violence and hatred, in all their fights to do better, in all their orgiastic and bloodstained glory, and Gabriel never wants to leave.

But they never repent for making Lucifer so hateful, they never learn just how many siblings Gabriel watched fall, they never apologize for their existence and that’s the worst part. Gabriel apologizes for his existence daily, he hopes most angels do because God didn’t think they were good enough, didn’t think they were worthy enough and that isn’t on anyone but them. Humanity is everything Gabriel hates and loves and envies and fears.

They say in Asgard that humans are tiny and insignificant to them and they are, Gabriel doesn’t feel like humans are making him Loki or not-Loki. Then he starts killing them.

They scream and bleed and beg and shake, and Gabriel doesn’t like getting his hands dirty so he steps back and watches from afar, from the place of a student or a co-worker (or a janitor lost in the realization that the world is going to end with these hunters).

The first time he’s hunted he’s sloppy and scared because what if he dies? It’s a naïve fear, he knows he’s an angel, but the _what if_ hangs above him like his tarnished broken halo, like the power of a million years of time before time gone twisted and wrong, like a runaway corrupted by a magic that was never his to begin with.

He loses himself in the killing and the opulence of Asgard, and he finds himself when he finds justice and a reason to ruin the men and women that ruin each other. He tells himself he’s divine, he’s a god, he’s cleansing the world so Lucifer doesn’t kill all of them for the actions of the few, he’s saving people by killing others.

He’s stabbed and stabs and killed and kills and hides and is hidden in the myth of the world and when his own blade slides into his vessel and through to his Grace, he wonders if it wasn’t fate or destiny or the other shit that Heaven’s vessels are being told. He’s scared of what comes after death, he’s angry at Lucifer for killing him, he’s angry at himself for getting killed, but he knows he wanted it, knows he knew he’d die going in, knows his time was up.

When he wakes to the smoking ruins of the hotel, the smoking ruins of his wings beneath him, and the sensation of love and forgiveness and acceptance hanging all around him, Gabriel wants to cry. He doesn’t deserve forgiveness, not for any of this, he doesn’t deserve to live after all of the death he caused, and he wants to beg his Father to send him back to the dark peaceful nothing he’d been floating.

He stays under the radar. He stays quiet.

He watches and waits and prays for his family and prays for the Winchesters and prays for himself.

There is never any answer and Gabriel doesn’t want to be surprised but he is, and he’s miserable and he’s maybe dying again, and he doesn’t want to see humanity live and love and fight and kill and exist anymore, doesn’t want to have to witness that glory he never was allowed.

He hates them and he loves them and he wants to be them and he wants to get away from them.

And no amount of redemption or praying or killing or sex or love or freedom is helping.

He could be fucking the would-be boy king of hell into the mattress or sleeping curled in the arms of the saviour of humanity and the world, and it would all still be there and it would all still be too much, and Gabriel hates and loves his Gods and his Father, and Gabriel wants to run and wants to never leave.

Gabriel hates himself and loves himself and hates it all and loves it all, and now? He doesn’t want it – any of it in its conflicted broken praising glory – to stop or go or do anything but settle there, in the place where Lucifer ran him through, and rest. 


End file.
